Written by Ashley Driedger, M.Sc (Psyc), Registered Child and Teen Psychologist, J. Gordon Psychology Group
Have you ever noticed that your child seems to have a particular way they need things to be?
Maybe they need to be first. Maybe they need to get things exactly right. Maybe they need everyone to be happy with them. Or maybe they need to be in control of what happens next.
These patterns can be challenging for parents, particularly when a child’s reaction seems much bigger than the situation itself.
From an Adlerian perspective, I like to become curious about these patterns through the idea of personality priorities, and encourage you to do so too!
A personality priority is a way of approaching the world that can become especially important to a child. It may help them feel successful, secure, connected, or significant.
And importantly, these priorities aren’t necessarily bad. Actually, there is often something really valuable underneath them.
The goal isn’t to take that quality away. It’s to help children find balance and develop flexibility so they can keep the strengths of their personality without becoming dependent on one particular way of doing things.
“I need to be first.”
Some children really want to be first. They want to win, be chosen first, have the best seat, or be the one who gets to go first.
There can be a lot of wonderful qualities underneath this priority: determination, confidence, competitiveness, and motivation.
We don’t need to teach a child that wanting to win is wrong. Instead, we can help them learn that winning isn’t the only way to have a good experience.
What parents can do: Give your child appropriate opportunities to compete and celebrate their enthusiasm for winning, but also intentionally practice not being first.
When they struggle, acknowledge it without immediately fixing it:
“You really wanted to go first. It’s hard when someone else gets that turn. You can handle being second.”
The goal is:
“I can love winning, and I can handle not winning.”
“I need to get it right.”
Some children are deeply invested in doing things correctly.
They may be conscientious, hardworking, careful, and incredibly motivated. They may notice details that other people miss and take genuine pride in their work.
Those are strengths! The challenge comes when “doing well” turns into “I can’t make a mistake.”
We can embrace their desire to do things well while helping them discover that mistakes don’t take away from their competence.
What parents can do: Notice and praise the process, not just the outcome. Create small, safe opportunities to make mistakes and resist the urge to immediately fix them.
“You worked really hard on that. I love how carefully you thought about it.”
When something goes wrong:
“Well, that didn’t work the way we expected. What could we try next?”
The goal is:
“I can care about doing a good job, and I don’t have to get everything right.”
“I need everyone to be happy with me.”
Some children are incredibly sensitive to other people’s feelings.
They may be thoughtful, accommodating, empathetic, and eager to help. They might notice when someone is upset before anyone else does.
These are beautiful qualities!
But when keeping everyone happy becomes a priority, children can lose touch with their own wants and needs. They may have difficulty disagreeing, saying no, or tolerating the possibility that someone might be disappointed with them.
We can embrace their caring nature while helping them understand that caring about others doesn’t require giving up their own voice.
What parents can do: Give your child opportunities to have a different opinion, make a different choice, or say no, and let them experience that the relationship remains okay.
“I love how much you care about your sister’s feelings. And you don’t have to choose the same thing she chooses.”
“It’s okay if someone is disappointed. You can still make a choice that’s right for you.”
The goal is:
“I can care about other people, and my needs matter too.”
“I need to be in control.”
Some children feel most comfortable when they know what is happening, how it will happen, and who is making the decisions.
These children may be independent, determined, organized, and strong-minded. They often know exactly what they want and aren’t afraid to communicate it.
Again, those qualities can serve them very well.
The goal isn’t to take away their sense of agency. It’s to help them learn that they can be okay when they aren’t in control.
What parents can do: Give your child meaningful choices when choices are appropriate, while also intentionally creating small opportunities for them to practice letting someone else take the lead.
“You can choose whether you want the blue shirt or the green one.”
And sometimes:
“Today I’m going to choose. You don’t have to like my choice, but you can handle it.”
The goal is:
“I can have strong preferences, and I can cope when someone else is in charge.”
The goal isn’t to change who your child is.
One of the things I love about the idea of personality priorities is that it invites us to become curious about the strength underneath the struggle.
What looks like stubbornness might also be determination.
What looks like perfectionism might also be conscientiousness.
What looks like people-pleasing might also be empathy.
What looks like a need for control might also be independence.
We don’t want to take those qualities away. Instead, we want to help children develop a bigger toolbox.
A child can be competitive and gracious. They can be conscientious and comfortable making mistakes. They can be caring and able to say no. They can be independent and able to let someone else take the lead.
The goal isn’t to make the priority disappear. It’s to help children learn that they have more than one way to respond, and we’re helping children hold onto the parts of themselves that serve them well without feeling like they have to have things a certain way in order to be okay.
Evidence & Framework: This post is grounded in Adlerian psychology, an established therapeutic framework with a growing body of empirical research. Personality priorities have also been examined in empirical research as a way of conceptualizing patterns in how people approach relationships and challenges. These concepts are not diagnostic categories or stand-alone evidence-based interventions, but can provide a useful framework for understanding children’s experiences and guiding therapeutic work.
