The parent-child relationship is one of the most influential forces in a child’s life, shaping the trajectory of their emotional well-being, social functioning, and even their cognitive development. Central to this bond, is the concept of attachment – the psychological connectedness between two people in relationship with one another persisting across time and distance (Bowlby, 1983).
The parent-child relationship provides the primary template of reference for future relationships, including to self. Self-concept begins forming in infancy through repeated patterns of interaction between caregiver and infant whereby the child develops awareness of their separateness (Stern, 1985). We very literally learn who we are and what that means through our experiences with surrounding others. A cornerstone of healthy development is parent-child attachment that provides the child with a felt sense of security, belonging, and worthiness. Research consistently points to the importance of nurturing, responsive interactions between parents and children in fostering this secure attachment.
However, positive parent-child relationships don’t just happen; they are cultivated through consistent patterns of interaction that promote trust, empathy, and mutual respect. Whether it’s through active listening, shared play, or setting healthy boundaries, these everyday exchanges lay the foundation for a child’s social-emotional growth.
But how do we foster positive parent-child relationships to promote healthy development? In this article, we identify one common parenting myth/strategy that can negatively impact children and undermine parent-child relationships:
Myth: If your child gets upset when saying ‘Goodbye,’ it’s better to sneak away without them knowing to avoid a meltdown.
Reality: We know these difficult goodbye’s filled with tears, snot, and screams don’t feel like healthy, positive interactions. However, the ritual of saying goodbye is so important to fostering trust and healthy attachment, especially when it comes to our anxious kiddos. Undoubtedly, sneaking away is the easier choice underlined with good intention – but what happens when that child realizes their parent is gone?
Now the anxiety really sets in.
Where did they go? How long will they be gone? Will they even come back? And when they do come back, how do I know they won’t disappear again?
As a child, I don’t know.
When my parents disappear I learn that I can’t trust them to be there and now I know that people I depend on may leave without warning. This uncertainty can create a sense of insecurity and erode the foundation of trust vital to a healthy parent-child relationship.
Instead, a consistent and reassuring goodbye ritual can help children learn that separations are temporary and that their parents will always return. Even if tears and protests accompany the goodbye, the predictability and honesty of this interaction teach children to trust in the reliability of their caregivers.
For example, you might establish a brief but loving routine: a hug, a special phrase, and a clear acknowledgement of when you will return. Over time, this consistency will help your child develop the resilience to manage separations and strengthen their sense of security in the parent-child relationship.
The goal is to build trust, not to avoid discomfort. By facing these difficult moments with compassion and transparency, you create a foundation of secure attachment that will serve your child’s emotional development for years to come.
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References:
- Bowlby, J. (1983). Attachment: Attachment and Loss, Volume One (Basic Books Classics) (2nd ed.). New York: Basic Books.
- Stern, D. (1985). The interpersonal world of the infant. New York: Basic Books.t
